So drunk its hurt
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
