i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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