We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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