I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
