I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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