My first STD was from a foam party
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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