you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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