last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
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