I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
