Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
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