i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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