you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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