when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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