2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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