Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
