I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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