I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
