She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
