Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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