another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
