I got chris browned last night
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize