I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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