Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
