Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
