I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
