Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
