ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Randomize
