Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
