YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Randomize
