is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize