last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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