so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
