Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
