exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
