Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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