I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
