fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
