new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
