Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
