Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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