The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
