Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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