Just fell off a train. Bad.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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