I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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