If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize