It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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