Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
