We won't sleep together?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
