nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
