One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
