i'm signing you up for texting rehab
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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