you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
