I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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