She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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