I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
