guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
