Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
