Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize