hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
